Letting Go

I am watching my gorgeous (now four month old) baby boy.  He smiles and chuckles, and is just a source of joy to me.  The love I feel towards him is overwhelming.  The longing I have for him to be safe, loved, fulfilled as a person is overwhelming.
I look at my baby boy, and know how blessed I am to have him in my life, and can't imagine what life would be like without him.  I should be happy, ecstatic.  I have three gorgeous, healthy children. But then I think of Isaac.

Isaac would have been one and a half now if he had lived. He would be toddling around, getting into things.  Giving sloppy kisses, smearing food everywhere, and learning about life.   And if he had lived, then Baby L would not be here.  I would not have had another baby so soon, possibly not another baby at all. I feel a confusion and pain inside - I cannot get my head around the idea that Baby L is only here because Isaac died.  I love them both.

Baby L is not a substitute for Isaac.  He is a child in his own right.  The confusion and grief twist around inside.  I cannot explain it properly, and cannot understand.   Joy and pain mixed together.  Life because of death.
Life feels too hard, and the depression kicks in.  And then the anxiety.
Isaac is gone, what if something happens to one of my other children - I don't know that I could bear the grief of losing another child.

But God rests His hand on me.  Calms the confusion inside.  He reminds me that He loves my children more than I ever could.  His plans for them are greater than I could ever imagine.  He reminds me that Isaac isn't gone, he is just gone before, and one day we will have the greatest reunion in Heaven, with not only Isaac but also Jesus and God.  How wonderful will that day be!

I wish I could always let myself rest in God's peace, instead of fighting it with all my questions of "why" and "what if?".  I wish I could allow myself to trust God, because basically I don't.  I am trying to control and make sense of this world on my own, which is something I can never do.  I want to  learn to just sit at God's feet, and just lean against Him, instead of fighting against Him.

There is a song by the Newsboys I love.  It is called Blessed be the Name.  Some of the lyrics go

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name


Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

One definition of blessed I read was

   hallowed;consecrated;worthy of blessing.

But the bit I really liked came after that

  imparting happiness or bliss

The name of The Lord should impart happiness or bliss.  Happiness/reassurance/peace.  When I put God in all my circumstances, good and bad, there will be happiness, because calling on His name imparts happiness.  But not happiness as we know it in the world.  The happiness of knowing that God is in control, even if the situation makes no sense to me.  The happiness, the peace, of trusting that there is something bigger hapening than what I can see.

So I still don't understand why Isaac died.  I still don't know if Baby L would have been born if Isaac had lived.  I still don't know what is in store for my children.  But I do know that if I can trust God, can truly turn my life and thoughts over to Him, then these and all those other questions don't matter.  

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com.Hallowed; consecrated; worthy of blessing or adoration; heavenly; holy Imparting happiness or bliss; fraught with happiness; blissful; joyful.Hallowed; consecrated; worthy of blessing or adoration; heavenly; holy.