What does it all mean?

Life seems hard at the moment.  Feels like a struggle to move my body, to think.  My brain feels cloudy, and a 'fog' has covered my thoughts.  I am just so tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  I know I am pregnant, but I don't remember this much exhaustion with my other pregnancies.  I don't want to do anything.  It all feels too hard.  I am losing track of time - I get to the end of the day and am unsure what I have done.  Hard to know if that is depression, or the DID - I know my other parts are struggling.  

I have so much to do to prepare for Christmas and the travelling.  Time is running out.  I have had all the presents for months - with money being so tight picked up Master S's present at a car boot sale months ago - got him a big box of megablocks that makes up into a garage with ramps etc, and a megablocks farmhouse and boat - all for $15!  Just needed a clean, and is as good as new.  I am told it would have retailed for at least $150 new, so am quite happy with that.  I got Miss A a Littlest Pet Shop Set she wanted - normally $20, but got it in the Target toy sale for $10.  So even with a few little stocking fillers (activity books, pens, some print outs off the computer for them to colour/puzzles etc) I spent less than $30 on each of them.  And I know they will like the stuff.  I knitted Miss A some clothes for her toy panda Beckett, and got some baby clothes from the op shop also for him - she loves Beckett and dresses him up and takes him everywhere.  So the kids have an abundance of presents, without much cost.  My MIL is getting homemade gifts - a scrapbooked photo album and collage I did for her, and a photo of the kids, a book mark, and a lovely notepad I picked up at Crazy Clarks.

Hubby's present cost the most - got him a computer game he has been wanting.  He never spends money on himself, so don't mind spending a bit on him.  Also got him some books and a CD he has been wanting.

I don't think he has me anything for Christmas.  I am trying not to think about it.  I bought myself a new bible and wrapped that up 'from him', but it would be nice to get another present.   It was our anniversary last week, and he forgot.  I got him a present, and made a lovely cake for dessert (we NEVER have dessert in our house, so was a real treat).  I understand he is very busy with work, and doesn't have a lot of time to go to the shops... and does a lot at home to help me, more than he should.  But my 'love language' is gifts, so it effects me when I don't get a present for Christmas or birthdays.   I feel unimportant, invisible,  as though I have no value.  Forgotten.  Too much like the past.

I know someone who is spending $300 on each of her kids for Christmas, and another who is spending $100 on each of her kids.  I try to remind myself that what is important is that the kids have time with me and their dad - our presence, not presents (as that corny saying goes).  But it is hard when all around kids are being spoilt rotten.  I hate having to say that we 'can't afford .....' all the time to Miss A.  I know that she has to learn that money has a limit, and we need to prioritise what we spend money on.  But there are always things she wants to do - bowling, skating, movies etc - stuff her friends do.  I try to find other activities she can do that don't cost anything, or not much.  She is booked in for a few activities at the library over the school hols - they have heaps of stuff on.  She did an edible plants gardening workshop last week, and Christmas craft also.  She is booked in for a making puppets group, and also kite making, so that should be good.  Her 'special' treat is being a 'zookeeper for a day' at Australia Zoo later in the holidays - it is her birthday present.  It is actually quite good value - $80, and that includes zoo admission, 6 hour program, lunch/food, water bottle, hat and bag of goodies.  She is very excited - it is just such a Miss A thing!  She could rival Bindi on her knowledge of animals!

I feel so tired, but sleep eludes me.  I just want oblivion for a while....