Today has been one of those days. I was awoken at 1.30am by my gorgeous baby boy, and haven't stopped in the 16 hours since. The first few hours of today were spent pacing the floor and sitting on the lounge trying to comfort my six week old while not knowing what was wrong... then followed the morning rush - organising Miss A for school (she who can take 20 minutes just to put a sock on!), making lunches, dressing Master S and Baby L, drinking cold cups of tea, forgetting breakfast, skipping showers in the sake of speediness - followed by the school drop off rush. Then came playgroup (put on the happy face), making lunches and trying to convince Master S that having a sleep was a good idea. With lots of screaming, he eventually fell unconscious half an hour later! Baby L had a doctor's appointment to see if he has reflux (likely), which might account for his unsettledness. Then came school pick-up, adjudicating the various fights between Miss A and Master S, trying to do the week's baking while Baby L slept (and then later holding Baby L) while the other two kids 'helped' - the anzac biscuits turned out a bit funny, but unsure why, goodness knows what went in them in the end, and what was omitted. At least the mini quiches look ok.
Currently Miss A is trying to build a tower out of things in my recycling bin, and yelling at Master S who wants to join in. Baby L is awake again, and screaming. Tea is in the oven, hopefully not burning, but to be honest I am beyond caring. I am feeling so tired and exhausted.
Mothering is such a hard, and relatively thankless job. The hours spent in housework, taxiing kids around, sitting at swimming lessons, cooking and trying to balance budgets that just won't be balanced generally go unnoticed. And need to be repeated the next day... and the day after... and the day after....
I know there is more to it than that, but tonight I can't see it - the depression is around. In the next few hours there are the usual fights to be fought - children through the bath, listening to the "I don't like that" when tea is dished up, the battle of wills to get Master S to stay in bed, and knowing we can't lose it... the tidying up that needs to be done, washing folded and put away, washing up done, lunches prepared for tomorrow...
I know the housework isn't important in the big scheme of things - as long as my kids have a safe, uncluttered area to play in, that is all that really matters. But it does my head in having mess everywhere. It doesn't have to be perfect, just clean and tidy. And let's face it, with three littles that is not going to be the case!
I am just tired. And desperately want some 'me' time. But I have a baby permanently attached to me, and a toddler who tries to be permanently attached to me, so that doesn't happen. I received an invite to put some of my art in an exhibition later this year - I would love to, I have put something in every year for ages. However, this year I won't be able to. I haven't had time to do anything lately, and won't get the half hour or so a day I need to get something done. The only creative thing I have done lately is make some cards for various friends' and relatives' birthdays. And that was soooo wonderful. I miss being creative. I feel like part of me is dying when i don't get to muck around. I want to put my hands on the papers and feel the textures and see the colours... be all goey from the glue... have hands stained with paints and ink.... feel the excitement when I find the perfect 'found object' to finish an item... then I feel alive... then I feel like me.
But don't get me wrong - I love being a mother, and love my kids dearly. I am just tired and struggling at the moment. June is always a bad month for me - trauma anniversaries tend to get my internal parts unsettled, and it is difficult to stay grounded and comfort myself. Body memories and nightmares also increase, so that is not much fun either.....
I want to finish on a positive note if I can, because this has been a bit of a downer blog.... Miss A got a fish yesterday, a siamese fighter fish she has named Indigo (because it is blue). I hope Indigo lives a long and happy life, but I have my doubts - between Miss A's obsessing about feeding him, Master S wanting to cuddle him, the cat wanting to eat him.... I don't think he will last long, and if he does will no doubt develop a nervous tic in response to life in our house! Fishy valium, maybe????
Miss A screened off his fish tank this morning so he couldn't see her getting dressed.... what makes this even funnier is that Miss A is a notorious streaker in our house!
Anyway, am feeling calmer. Just 'talking' about it makes it seem more manageable. I see my shrink tomorrow, so that will also help. Better go check that food in the oven, and make sure the kids haven't killed each other (it is way too quiet)........
