Sparrows

I want to yell from the rooftops.  I want to tell everyone.  The Lord is SO good! He is trustworthy.


In the last week, our 15 year old fridge died, our tv died, a pipe in our laundry broke and we needed an electrician.  As a single income family (I am a stay at home mum), having to replace a fridge and get the tradesmen out cleaned out our non-existent savings and my husband's pay for this fortnight.  And I mean cleaned out - nothing left.  I panicked.  Both my sons and I are on regular medication, and the scripts needed filling this week.  I have very little in the pantry at the moment, certainly not enough to feed my family of five for a fortnight.  We have a very big bill due at the end of the month.  I couldn't see what I could do to fix this.  My kids need their medication.  My kids need feeding.  And we had nothing.


I was driving to a friend's house for a playdate, and started crying with stress.  And then I finally reached out to God.  I told Him the situation (even though I know He already knew), and asked Him for help, because it was beyone me to fix.  I lay it at His feet - such a hard thing for me to do, I am someone who wants to do stuff herself, fix it herself.  And I left it there.

TWO HOURS later I am having coffee with my friend, when my husband rings up.  His boss is giving him a bonus.  How much?  Enough to cover the expenses of the last week, and the big bill coming up.  Without knowing anything about our current circumstances, his boss has given us exactly what we needed.  I am in no doubt - God heard my prayer, and had answered it before I even asked.  My kids will be fed, my kids can have their medicine.  Our God is a wonderful Father, who cares so much for us.  The Bible says 'He cares for the needs of the sparrows, so surely He will meet our needs, as He cares for us so much more'.  If only I can keep remembering that!

Letting Go

I am watching my gorgeous (now four month old) baby boy.  He smiles and chuckles, and is just a source of joy to me.  The love I feel towards him is overwhelming.  The longing I have for him to be safe, loved, fulfilled as a person is overwhelming.
I look at my baby boy, and know how blessed I am to have him in my life, and can't imagine what life would be like without him.  I should be happy, ecstatic.  I have three gorgeous, healthy children. But then I think of Isaac.

Isaac would have been one and a half now if he had lived. He would be toddling around, getting into things.  Giving sloppy kisses, smearing food everywhere, and learning about life.   And if he had lived, then Baby L would not be here.  I would not have had another baby so soon, possibly not another baby at all. I feel a confusion and pain inside - I cannot get my head around the idea that Baby L is only here because Isaac died.  I love them both.

Baby L is not a substitute for Isaac.  He is a child in his own right.  The confusion and grief twist around inside.  I cannot explain it properly, and cannot understand.   Joy and pain mixed together.  Life because of death.
Life feels too hard, and the depression kicks in.  And then the anxiety.
Isaac is gone, what if something happens to one of my other children - I don't know that I could bear the grief of losing another child.

But God rests His hand on me.  Calms the confusion inside.  He reminds me that He loves my children more than I ever could.  His plans for them are greater than I could ever imagine.  He reminds me that Isaac isn't gone, he is just gone before, and one day we will have the greatest reunion in Heaven, with not only Isaac but also Jesus and God.  How wonderful will that day be!

I wish I could always let myself rest in God's peace, instead of fighting it with all my questions of "why" and "what if?".  I wish I could allow myself to trust God, because basically I don't.  I am trying to control and make sense of this world on my own, which is something I can never do.  I want to  learn to just sit at God's feet, and just lean against Him, instead of fighting against Him.

There is a song by the Newsboys I love.  It is called Blessed be the Name.  Some of the lyrics go

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name


Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

One definition of blessed I read was

   hallowed;consecrated;worthy of blessing.

But the bit I really liked came after that

  imparting happiness or bliss

The name of The Lord should impart happiness or bliss.  Happiness/reassurance/peace.  When I put God in all my circumstances, good and bad, there will be happiness, because calling on His name imparts happiness.  But not happiness as we know it in the world.  The happiness of knowing that God is in control, even if the situation makes no sense to me.  The happiness, the peace, of trusting that there is something bigger hapening than what I can see.

So I still don't understand why Isaac died.  I still don't know if Baby L would have been born if Isaac had lived.  I still don't know what is in store for my children.  But I do know that if I can trust God, can truly turn my life and thoughts over to Him, then these and all those other questions don't matter.  

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com.Hallowed; consecrated; worthy of blessing or adoration; heavenly; holy Imparting happiness or bliss; fraught with happiness; blissful; joyful.Hallowed; consecrated; worthy of blessing or adoration; heavenly; holy.

Just one of those days....

     Today has been one of those days.  I was awoken at 1.30am by my gorgeous baby boy, and haven't stopped in the 16 hours since.  The first few hours of today were spent pacing the floor and sitting on the lounge trying to comfort my six week old while not knowing what was wrong... then followed the morning rush - organising Miss A for school (she who can take 20 minutes just to put a sock on!), making lunches, dressing Master S and Baby L, drinking cold cups of tea, forgetting breakfast, skipping showers in the sake of speediness - followed by the school drop off rush.  Then came playgroup (put on the happy face), making lunches and trying to convince Master S that having a sleep was a good idea.  With lots of screaming, he eventually fell unconscious half an hour later!  Baby L had a doctor's appointment to see if he has reflux (likely), which might account for his unsettledness.   Then came school pick-up, adjudicating the various fights between Miss A and Master S, trying to do the week's baking while Baby L slept (and then later holding Baby L) while the other two kids 'helped' - the anzac biscuits turned out a bit funny, but unsure why, goodness knows what went in them in the end, and what was omitted.  At least the mini quiches look ok.
     Currently Miss A is trying to build a tower out of things in my recycling bin, and yelling at Master S who wants to join in.  Baby L is awake again, and screaming.  Tea is in the oven, hopefully not burning, but to be honest I am beyond caring.  I am feeling so tired and exhausted. 
     Mothering is such a hard, and relatively thankless job.   The hours spent in housework, taxiing kids around, sitting at swimming lessons, cooking and trying to balance budgets that just won't be balanced generally go unnoticed.   And need to be repeated the next day... and the day after... and the day after....
     I know there is more to it than that, but tonight I can't see it - the depression is around.  In the next few hours there are the usual fights to be fought - children through the bath, listening to the "I don't like that" when tea is dished up, the battle of wills to get Master S to stay in bed, and knowing we can't lose it... the tidying up that needs to be done, washing folded and put away, washing up done, lunches prepared for tomorrow...
     I know the housework isn't important in the big scheme of things - as long as my kids have a safe, uncluttered area to play in, that is all that really matters.  But it does my head in having mess everywhere.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just clean and tidy.  And let's face it, with three littles that is not going to be the case!
     I am just tired.  And desperately want some 'me' time.  But I have a baby permanently attached to me, and a toddler who tries to be permanently attached to me, so that doesn't happen.  I received an invite to put some of my art in an exhibition later this year - I would love to, I have put something in every year for ages.  However, this year I won't be able to.  I haven't had time to do anything lately, and won't get the half hour or so a day I need to get something done.  The only creative thing I have done lately is make some cards for various friends' and relatives' birthdays.  And that was soooo wonderful.  I miss being creative. I feel like part of me is dying when i don't get to muck around.  I want to put my hands on the papers and feel the textures and see the colours... be all goey from the glue... have hands stained with paints and ink.... feel the excitement when I find the perfect 'found object' to finish an item... then I feel alive... then I feel like me.
     But don't get me wrong - I love being a mother, and love my kids dearly.  I am just tired and struggling at the moment. June is always a bad month for me - trauma anniversaries tend to get my internal parts unsettled, and it is difficult to stay grounded and comfort myself.  Body memories and nightmares also increase, so that is not much fun either.....  
     I want to finish on a positive note if I can, because this has been a bit of a downer blog....  Miss A got a fish yesterday, a siamese fighter fish she has named Indigo (because it is blue).  I hope Indigo lives a long and happy life, but I have my doubts - between Miss A's obsessing about feeding him, Master S wanting to cuddle him, the cat wanting to eat him.... I don't think he will last long, and if he does will no doubt develop a nervous tic in response to life in our house!  Fishy valium, maybe????
     Miss A screened off his fish tank this morning so he couldn't see her getting dressed.... what makes this even funnier is that Miss A is a notorious streaker in our house!  
Anyway, am feeling calmer.  Just 'talking' about it makes it seem more manageable.  I see my shrink tomorrow, so that will also help.  Better go check that food in the oven, and make sure the kids haven't killed each other (it is way too quiet)........

Here I am again

Well, it's been a while!  In my defence I have been extremely busy - January was school holidays, so had both kids home, and February.... well, I am not sure where February went, but it did go somewhere!
Miss A is in grade four this year, and loving it, which is fantastic.  I can't believe she turns nine years old tomorrow - where did those years go?  She is so tall and lanky and 'grown up' now - my 'little' girl has gone.  She has ordered her birthday cakes - a 'horse' cake for home, and a number '9' cake for school, decorated with marshmellow and smartie flowers.  She did want a gum tree shaped cake with leaves and koalas for school, so think I did quite well limiting it to a number 9!  So I am spending any free moment today baking!  I must look a bit of a wreck at the moment - I am VERY huge with this pregnancy, even with 2 months to go, so my shirt has a big smudge area right across the stomach from flour/sugar/cocoa and goodness knows what else, even with the tea towel attractively tucked in at my neckline like a napkin!  And Master S has been very ill, and had me up a lot at night for the last few days, so keep forgetting to brush my hair etc - almost took Miss A to school in my pyjamas today!
My poor little fellow has been so sick - ear infections, high temps, asthma.... He is sleeping at the moment, thank goodness, so I get a chance to do a few things.  I have spent most of the last few days cuddling him on the lounge watching Thomas the Tank Engine - if only he was like my daughter and liked animal documentaries or Top Gear!  I have the Thomas opening song permanently in my head, and it scares me that I can now quote all the lyrics!  I was humming it in the shower yesterday - that really can't be good!
We've spent close to $150 on scripts for him over the last week, with two lots of bronchidilators, 2 lots of antibiotics, prednisone, not to mention the nurofen and spare nebuliser mask we had to get - it gets so expensive.  There goes the grocery money this week!  So hard to budget on a single wage.  We don't live extravagantly in the least - don't eat out, don't go to the movies, don't rent dvds, don't go away on holidays except to stay with the in-laws - so very hard to cut something out.  We have only one computer (and it is on it's way out),  my laptop died ages ago. My camera broke (hence no pictures on my blogs for a while), my mobile phone broke.  Private health insurance is expensive, but we can't drop it because then I cannot receive treatment - there is no treatment in the public health system for my condition, just symptom management.  On top of private health insurance we had over $10 000 worth of out of pocket medical expenses last tax year.  My scripts alone are about $100 a month.  That is a quarter of my husband's wage gone in medical stuff alone.  The mortgage takes out another quarter, and tax (he is a contractor, so pays tax later) another quarter.  Doesn't leave much left to live on - bills, food, petrol, clothes, school expenses, car maintenance etc.  Feel like I am drowning.
Anyway, 7 weeks till the new bubby due... I am gi-normous!  Bigger than I was with the others even at full-term.  If my husband cracks one more Greenpeace needing to rescue me joke I may have to kill him!  I am getting sick of people at the shops/at the beach asking me if it is twins, and when I am due because I 'look like I am about to pop'... I do like the look on their face when I reply 'just a single baby, and not due for 2 months!'.... they tend to slink away embarrassed!  I am over the hot weather.
Don't know if I mentioned it before or not, but Miss A has decided that having a two-year old brother is a bit like 'having a pet chimpanzee'!  She tries to teach him tricks!
Anyway, off for a nap... busy afternoon of cake icing, tea making, obstetrician visits, comforting a sick child and trying to calm an excited one!