Mindfullness Rules!

Well, can't remember my last blog - unsure if I mentioned we are stranded up north Queensland central coast due to river flooding cutting off the highway south of us.  Good news is the weather has improved, so at least we can enjoy the time here now.  Been to the beach the last two days.  My 8 year old was funny yesterday - you can always count on a child to know what to say to make you feel good!  I was trying to ride waves in using her boogey board, but kept rolling off.  "Never mind, Mummy" she said.  "You have such a big tummy, that is probably why you can't stay on...... and you are also pregnant!"
We went to a place called Canoe Point this morning.  Absolutely beautiful.  I am so blessed to have been able to spend time there with the family.  The tide was going out, so the mudflats were emerging, complete with crabs and birds.  We had a wonderful time there, exploring rockpools, watching the eagles... and trying to work out what the horrible smell was (a rotten fish!).  I love tidal flats - the child in me finds it so exciting.  I think it taps into the few happyish memories I have of being a child - they are few and far between.  But I can remember exploring the tidal flats at Tin Can Bay on a family holiday once - a rare moment of feeling free and safe and part of something bigger - the 'pure' force of nature that comes and goes, regardless of what we humans do.
My psych is big on 'mindfulness'. And I am so glad he is. It seemed hard to do at first, but has proven to be a valuable skill. It is amazing how well it can reduce my stress and panic, not to mention actually make me 'present' in my surroundings. Because of the dissociation, I spend a lot of time 'watching' myself and others, rather than actually being part of the experience. So mindfulness has really helped. For example, being at the beach - actually smelling the salty, seaweedy smell, feeling the coarse sand under my feet and toes, feeling the coolness of the water, actually seeing the birds and crabs and shells (and marvelling at their colours and shapes), tasting the salty air, hearing the waves and birds and my children playing - basically just 'being there' in body and mind, and saturating myself in the experience.
I am going to try and add some pictures of the morning - I'm not very tech savvy, so hope it works....

Family walking across mudflats

Looking across tidal flats towards Gladstone

Tidal flats looking out to sea

A beautiful crab we found - absolutely gorgeous colouring!

My friend the crab again!

Believe it or not, Miss A is holding some soldier crabs amongst all that sand!

Canoe Point

Tidal Flats looking out towards ocean

Tidal Flats looking towards ocean - we found lots of treasures in the rock pools.

My family wat

Rain, rain go away.. I want to go home!

Well, am stuck up north qld visiting my mum-in-law.  The Bruce Highway is cut off south of us, so unsure if we can get home tomorrow as planned.  I hope so.  Much as I love seeing my MIL, I am ready to go home.  I want to be in my  own house, near the doctor's I know (Master S is still not totally well).  I am booked into the trauma unit in hospital for three days on Friday, so really want to get there if I can.  Desperately need some time out for me to figure stuff out.  And need some support.  Wasn't supposed to go in until February, but my psych managed to get me in for a weekend now.  Probably need more than three days, but with school hols is all I can manage.  And three days is better than none!  Just been so stressful the last little while, with Master S so sick, and Miss A with rising anxiety about the rain and flooding.  I am struggling with depression and eating, and am 'switching' a lot.  My internal selves are struggling.  I am not sleeping at night - I lie awake listening to make sure Master S is still breathing.  That's one of the problems associated with being a survivor of trauma - I always expect the worse.  My psych said when your whole life you have experienced stuff that most people don't, the 'statistics' of events don't matter to you - you just accept bad stuff happens, and to you, not others.  Kind of the opposite of most people, who don't expect bad stuff to happen to them, but others.   Anyway, Miss A has fallen and hurt her elbow, so best go....

Christmas and Why do kids always get sick when there are no doctors open?

Well, two days after Christmas now.  We made it to the MIL's, and had one fine day, which I am grateful for.  However, has poured rain ever since!  The kids and cat have cabin fever, mum and daddy are going mad, and my poor MIL just looks at her house in amazement at the chaos the kids have created in such a short space of time!  That's my kids - overachievers!!!  Hubby, MIL  and the kids have just headed to the beach (complete in outfits of togs and raincoats) to get out of the house.  I am about to try and have a sleep, since I was up all last night with Master S, who has been quite ill.
He seems to have asthma, or some post-pneumonia coughy type thing.  He is almost ok through the day - seems to be able to run around etc without too much trouble, and any wheezing/coughing is relieved by his bronchodilators.  However, the last few nights he has been waking regularly coughing, unable to breathe unobstructed, and gagging.  The first two or three nights the bronchodilators and humidifiers seemed to help, and he would resettle.  Last night it didn't.  He had bronchodilators at 7pm, 11pm, 1am and 3am - and at 3am they didn't help.  He was struggling to breathe, so I called the ambulance.  Two very nice paramedics came out, and escorted us to the emergency room at the local hospital (still half an hour away). They gave hiim more bronchodilator and oxygen, so by the time we reached the hospital he was a bit brighter.  He was very upset to have to get out of the ambulance!  The nursing staff were lovely, but the doctor a bit abrupt, and his english left a lot to be desired.  I know that there is a lot of trouble filling 'rural' hospital medical positions, but at 4am after a night of no sleep and high anxiety the last thing I felt like doing was having to talk slowly and explain the same point four or five times.... even then I am not sure he followed what I was saying.  Anyway, a couple of hours, some prednisone and a taxi ride home later, we are back.  Miss A was upset because she was worried about her brother.  Hubby and MIL slightly sleep disturbed, having been awoken by the noise at 3am.
MIL gave me a hard time about catching a taxi home ($50 'wasted').  I tried to point out that my hubby has no idea where the local hospital is, so it would have meant waking up MIL and Miss A so they could go with him (we were unaware that MIL was awake - she hadn't come out of her room through the night, so we thought she was still sleeping).  Not to mention my having to wait with Master S at the hospital for over an hour while they all got up and dressed and actually travelled the distance there.  A taxi was so much easier - at the hospital within minutes, home within 30minutes.  Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right.
So my anxiety is high, probably due to sleep deprivation and worry (naturally) about my gorgeous two year old.  Sometimes I feel I just don't have the reserves for this extra stress - it seems to be the straw that breaks the camels back. 
The kids had a nice Christmas, though.  I only spent $30 on each of them, but they loved their gifts (picked up second hand from garage sales and cleaned up, or gotten on throwout tables at bookstores etc).  I have discovered I don't have a 'lego' mind - the megablocks lego is obviously going to be a daddy and Master S thing!
My MIL gave me a worm farm, which is awesome!  Have been wanting one for ages.  Funny how as you get older you want more 'practical' presents (am going to ask for a new hand beater from hubby for my birthday!). I guess that is what happens when money is scarce - you get the stuff you want and need, rather than trinket stuff that just sits on the shelf etc.
Anyway, nap time calling!

What does it all mean?

Life seems hard at the moment.  Feels like a struggle to move my body, to think.  My brain feels cloudy, and a 'fog' has covered my thoughts.  I am just so tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  I know I am pregnant, but I don't remember this much exhaustion with my other pregnancies.  I don't want to do anything.  It all feels too hard.  I am losing track of time - I get to the end of the day and am unsure what I have done.  Hard to know if that is depression, or the DID - I know my other parts are struggling.  

I have so much to do to prepare for Christmas and the travelling.  Time is running out.  I have had all the presents for months - with money being so tight picked up Master S's present at a car boot sale months ago - got him a big box of megablocks that makes up into a garage with ramps etc, and a megablocks farmhouse and boat - all for $15!  Just needed a clean, and is as good as new.  I am told it would have retailed for at least $150 new, so am quite happy with that.  I got Miss A a Littlest Pet Shop Set she wanted - normally $20, but got it in the Target toy sale for $10.  So even with a few little stocking fillers (activity books, pens, some print outs off the computer for them to colour/puzzles etc) I spent less than $30 on each of them.  And I know they will like the stuff.  I knitted Miss A some clothes for her toy panda Beckett, and got some baby clothes from the op shop also for him - she loves Beckett and dresses him up and takes him everywhere.  So the kids have an abundance of presents, without much cost.  My MIL is getting homemade gifts - a scrapbooked photo album and collage I did for her, and a photo of the kids, a book mark, and a lovely notepad I picked up at Crazy Clarks.

Hubby's present cost the most - got him a computer game he has been wanting.  He never spends money on himself, so don't mind spending a bit on him.  Also got him some books and a CD he has been wanting.

I don't think he has me anything for Christmas.  I am trying not to think about it.  I bought myself a new bible and wrapped that up 'from him', but it would be nice to get another present.   It was our anniversary last week, and he forgot.  I got him a present, and made a lovely cake for dessert (we NEVER have dessert in our house, so was a real treat).  I understand he is very busy with work, and doesn't have a lot of time to go to the shops... and does a lot at home to help me, more than he should.  But my 'love language' is gifts, so it effects me when I don't get a present for Christmas or birthdays.   I feel unimportant, invisible,  as though I have no value.  Forgotten.  Too much like the past.

I know someone who is spending $300 on each of her kids for Christmas, and another who is spending $100 on each of her kids.  I try to remind myself that what is important is that the kids have time with me and their dad - our presence, not presents (as that corny saying goes).  But it is hard when all around kids are being spoilt rotten.  I hate having to say that we 'can't afford .....' all the time to Miss A.  I know that she has to learn that money has a limit, and we need to prioritise what we spend money on.  But there are always things she wants to do - bowling, skating, movies etc - stuff her friends do.  I try to find other activities she can do that don't cost anything, or not much.  She is booked in for a few activities at the library over the school hols - they have heaps of stuff on.  She did an edible plants gardening workshop last week, and Christmas craft also.  She is booked in for a making puppets group, and also kite making, so that should be good.  Her 'special' treat is being a 'zookeeper for a day' at Australia Zoo later in the holidays - it is her birthday present.  It is actually quite good value - $80, and that includes zoo admission, 6 hour program, lunch/food, water bottle, hat and bag of goodies.  She is very excited - it is just such a Miss A thing!  She could rival Bindi on her knowledge of animals!

I feel so tired, but sleep eludes me.  I just want oblivion for a while....

Art and stuff

If anyone is interested, I have loaded some art stuff onto tumbr that I have been making recently.  The link is
http://doncocreations.tumblr.com/

Not so leisurely Saturdays

Spent most of the day in my art shed.  It is Saturday, and I am frantically trying to finish a scrapbooking album I am making for my mother in law for her 60th birthday.  I got up early, organised the cat and children, then disappeared down to my art room.  Been there about five minutes when I hear this plaintive 'Meow', and look up to see my cat looking at me with big, sad, pleading eyes through the sliding door.  I let her in, and within two minutes she has made herself comfortable on top of what I am trying to work on (apologies to my MIL for the cat butt-prints on her album pages!).  After a few minutes of cat wrangling, and convincing the cat she would be better sitting on top of my paint box, I settled back down to work.
Then there was this little knock on the door, and I look up to see Miss A looking at me with big, sad, pleading eyes through the sliding door.  I let her in, and she announces she wants to do art stuff too.  Don't get me wrong, I love the time her and I spend doing craft together - usually a few hours are devoted to this each Sunday - but just wasn't in the headspace for it today.  So I send her off with my special colouring pencils to do some art by herself inside.  Settle back down.
Then there is this knock on the door, and I look up to see my hubby looking at me with big, sad, pleading eyes through the sliding door.   Apparently Miss A and Master S are driving him crazy!  I sent him away pronto!
Then there is a crash, and the sliding door is thrust open by Master S!  No sad, pleading eyes for him - he just helps himself!   He knows where the play box is in my art room ('special' toys that are only allowed to be played with when mum is trying to work on her art), and within seconds has trashed the joint.  He informs me that 'Daddy inside... Master S outside' with a huge grin and laugh.
Needless to say I have made a mental note to get a huge lock for my art room door, and opaque glass so I can't see those sad, pleading eyes!

It is now Sunday, and I think Master S has grown an inch overnight - he now seems able to reach and open the door knobs inside the house.... he wasn't able to do that yesterday!   No where is safe now!

Tired

Just so tired today... been hard looking after Master S for a week when he is so sick, just no time for me.  My head won't think, my body feels so heavy with exhaustion.  I want to sleep, but can't.  Insomnia, as usual, is my friend.  When I do sleep the nightmares come...

It has been a long week.  My little boy is sick with pneumonia, which is quite stressful.  He doesn't appear sick - runs around madly until he collapses.  So hard to keep him still.  And he gets so bored not being able to run around and destroy stuff!
School holidays have started here, and my daughter is also home.  Feel like I am juggling life, but badly.  I am getting a better relationship with my daughter, we are probably closer now than we have ever been.  We have started spending a few hours doing art and craft together on Sunday mornings, which she is enjoying immensely.  My hubby takes Master S for a few hours, so it is just her and I. She is a very quick learner, and I am surprised each week by her creativity and skill.  This week she made a Christmas present for her Grandma (my mum-in-law) - a decorative Christmas hanging.  She sewed the outline of an angel on some calico, then wrote Merry Christmas in fabric paint and put sparkly fabric paint around the angel.  I hemmed it for her, and put some balsa in the top with ribbon, so my MIL can hang it up.  When my camera is working again I will take a picture and put up for all to see.
I can't believe Christmas is almost here.  As usual I have the mixture of joy at seeing my kids excitement, but also sadness that I don't have any family of origin of my own to share it with.  I know not seeing them is the right thing - there is no way I want to expose my kids to the danger they pose.  However, there is still a longing there.
My MIL is a great lady.  She turns 60 on Sunday (must remember to post her card tomorrow!).  With money being so tight at the moment have done her homemade gifts (will also post a photo of those when camera working again).  I have done a collage in a frame of things that remind me of her.  I have also scrapbooked some old family photos into an album for her.  I have never scrapbooked before, and have discovered that I don't like it that much.   I love cardmaking, mixed media, most papercraft.   So to discover I don't like scrapbooking is a bit of a surprise.  But good.  All my life I have had no idea about who I am, or what I like or dislike - most of the things I say I like are based on what I was 'taught', or what I think people think I should like.  So to discover for myself that I don't like scrapbooking, and to know why (it is too structured for my liking) is a huge thing.  I much prefer a 'free' kind of creativity, without having to fit around certain things like photos.  Even most of my knitting and sewing starts off without a real plan - it is amazing how many things you can turn a square of knitting into!  Pencil cases, drink holders, mobile phone pouches, cushions....
My doc has been away for a few weeks on holidays, and am surprised  by how much I am missing the sessions.  I have been seeing him 13 years now, and most times don't mind him going on holidays - just more 'me' time.  However, this time I am struggling without having him around.  I am unsure why.  I did some major work with him just before he went away, so maybe that is contributing - I am still trying to implement the new 'thinking' and let the new beliefs really sink in, not just be a head/intellectual thing.  Maybe it is also the soup of pregnancy hormones raging through my body making me feel a bit unstable.
Saw the dietician today, she is happy with my progress.  I am not so happy, but keep reminding myself I am pregnant, I will gain weight, I will pop out in all sorts of places.  It is so weird.  It has been nine years since my last anorexia relapse, but if I am not careful I still find myself drifting into that thinking.  It has gotten worse since I gained weight on the medication over the last 2 years.  I am now 40kg heavier than I was when I fell pregnant with Master S, and 50 kg heavier than when I fell pregnant with Miss A.  It is hard to believe I am now double that weight, and almost two and a half times heavier than my lowest weight with the anorexia.  I never want to go back to go back to that - I see photos of myself at that weight and can't believe I thought I was fat.  But I would like to lose the 40 kg I have gained on the meds - I feel 'heavy' and my body aches.  I dislike not being fit.  I have started swimming laps at the local pool again, and feel great after it, so will keep that up if I can.   I am also no longer on the medication that seemed to contribute to the weight gain, so that will help.  It always amazes me what triggers stuff - haven't been this aware of body image issues in many years... got to love pregnancy!
Anyway, that is my rant.  I am getting my hair done tomorrow as my 'treat' - I am getting a trim, and will then put some foils in when I get home.  Always feel great after a hair cut and colour!

Honour...

The terrible news about the second explosion at the  New Zealand mine accident  has just been broadcast.  The 29 miners are now presumed killed, if they had survived this long.  My heart goes out to the families - all those wives, girlfriends, children, parents and siblings who will never see their loved one walk through the front door again.   I heard the NZ prime minister on the radio, stating his support for the families, and as a token of respect, all government flags will fly at half mast tomorrow, to honor the miners who died.
 
I totally agree with this action - they should receive honor and respect, and be remembered.  But part of me is sad.  When will all the children who die from child abuse each year be remembered?  When will their short lives be honoured?  We have remembrance days for our veterens... what about these children whose lives passed with no-one acknowledging their right to safety, to love?  And what about the millions of people around the world trying to recover from the effects of childhood abuse?  When do they get recognition for the battle they fight every day to live a normal life?
And when will child protection be taken seriously by governments?  when will it be given adequate funding and resources?  When will laws be made that protect the child/survivor, and not the perpetrator?

That's my rant for the day.....

And there is a baby....

Finally managed to start a blog!  Who would ever have thought?
Today has been a big day.  Had the 12 week scan for the baby this morning.  Have been absolutely dreading it.  It was at the 12 week scan in February that we discovered Isaac had died.  We had no idea anything was wrong until then.  So this time around my anxiety has been high, and not even wanting to think about the possibility of a baby until I could make sure that little heart was beating today.  
My reaction is weird, but probably normal.  I have two gorgeous, healthy children.  Both born after trouble free pregnancies and births.  Never had any anxiety then before scans.  I lose one baby, and I forget that pregnancies can be ok... I just expect problems.

But all is well with this little one.  He or she has all the appropriate bits, and was wriggling around quite well.  So all good.  Now maybe I can start to plan a bit for their arrival!